Mother of 3

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

1.4.2006

How come no one ever told me that being a mother takes absolutely everything out of you? Is it me? My kids run me ragged, from the moment I wake up, until late at night. I feel like I give and give and give and get nothing, nothing, nothing. No. That's not true. Every time Evan tells me he loves me out of the blue, it's worth it. Every time Xander rubs my nose, it's worth it. Every time I hear Jack's laugh, it's worth it.

I think the big problem is that I feel like a single mother. Jeff is never home. He works an hour away and works late almost every night. He's never home before 6:30p and that's early for him. I appreciate that he spends 2 hours a day in his car. I appreciate that he makes a lot of money. But I would also appreciate it if he did the dishes once in awhile.

What drab day. Gray and windy. At least the City Christmas tree is still up with lights on.

Today is Tammy's birthday. I dropped a card off for her in her mailbox. I was hoping she wouldn't be home so I wouldn't have to talk to her. I got lucky. It sucks that I don't want to be her friend anymore. I wish they would move already. I hope that I never get so that I think I am above everyone else. I think I was like that in high school. I am not any better or any worse than anyone else. Everyone has their baggage, but everyone has their good points, too. Tammy only sees the negative. She thinks people should cater to her and bow before her - well, at least she acts that way. I don't understand that. I think life is better when you think positively.

I need to call Dr. Hart today and get Xander scheduled. I've been putting it off. He needs to have his tonsils and adenoids out and probably have surgery on his sinuses. I don't want him to go through that. The antibiotics have worked for about 2 weeks now. I'm going to try to make that last as long as possible. I'm such a sucker...

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

1.3.2006

I am the mother of 3 boys: Evan, age 6. Xander, age 3. Jack, age 7 mos. Evan's birthday was yesterday. He had a great day, despite having to return to school. He lost his first tooth over the break. Xander has Down Syndrome. He is 3, but the size of an 18 mo. old. He and Jack wear the same size diapers. He doesn't speak, but knows a lot of sign language... more than Jeff or I know. Poor kid probably thinks we're crazy. Jack is the baby. He is large for his age - in the 97% for height and 90% for weight. He has the sweetest temperment and hasn't given us a day's trouble, except for the first few days, when he was jaundiced due to an incompatible bloodtype. He's A-. Weird. They are all great kids. Unfortunately, I am not a great mother. My own mom died almost 8 years ago of colon cancer. I miss not having her around to help me learn how to do all this. I can't cook, I hate to clean, I'm very impatient. I hope my kids don't hate me.

This is my first day back to work after a week off for the holidays. I work for a large bank, but when Xander was born, went down to part-time, moved back to my small hometown, worked from home for awhile, then moved into a small, outdated office in the local branch. It's really the best of both worlds - I'm there when the kids leave for school and home when they get home. Evan's in kindergarten and Xander started preschool at the local school for MRDD. They are both doing very well. Jack is in daycare and everyone seems to love him (as we do).

I thought starting a blog might be theraputic for me. I seem to take a lot of my frustrations out on my family instead of talking about what's up. My husband, Jeff, gets tired of it. My own family, dad, brother, crazy uncle, are just about useless as far as I'm concerned. Jeff's family is great, but not my own. My friends are few, and although I'm sure they would listen, probably get tired of hearing me whine. I'm hoping to make myself a better person this year. I'd like to lose weight, be more patient, be more careful with my money... the same as everyone, I suppose. I think logging my feelings here will help keep my temper in line.

So here's about me: Age 35, but feel 20. Carrying 30 pounds of babyweight that needs to come off. Married to Jeff since 1993 - high school sweethearts. Love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Lost, and Harry Potter movies. Dad lives in WV w/ wife (who's 4 years older than me). Brother recently "lost" his job (we think he was fired), broke up w/ girlfriend of 5 years but still lives w/ her in the house they just bought (??), got a DUI so can't drive. Uncle (mom's brother) is a 62 year old rocket scientist virgin who is the most bizarre person I've ever met. He moved here to take care of my grandma after my mom died and ended up staying after my grandma died last year. Our Christmas presents this year consisted of things he found in his basement. I got a fur coat... at least, I think it's fur. Not sure what kind... maybe dog. He said he found it in a closet and he's not sure whose it was (yikes). I never finished college, which is my biggest regret. I've tried to take classes here and there, but it's hard to dedicate the time. Maybe one day... I took care of my mom when she was sick and I think that made me a stronger person. I cried for 3 weeks solid when Xander was born and we were told he had Down syndrome. That was a complete surprise. I thought I'd paid my dues when Mom died. But he has turned out to be a blessing. He is adorable. People are drawn to him like I've never seen. I don't know what the future holds. I can't think about 10/20 years down the road. I guess that's what this thing is for.

I guess I should get back to work. More tomorrow...